University of Mississippi Medical Center: Now Accepting Payment in Bitcoin and Tears

Oh, for fuck’s sake. Just when you thought the crypto-wankers couldn’t sink any lower, the University of Mississippi Medical Center decided to join the “Ransomware Victim Club” last Thursday. And they didn’t just dip their toe in—they did a fucking cannonball into the shallow end of the cyber-shitpool.

275 beds, 10,000+ employees, and eight goddamn community clinics—all brought to their knees because some manager thought “security awareness training” meant telling staff not to microwave fish in the break room. They’ve air-gapped everything: EHR, phones, internet, probably the fucking elevators too, because why half-ass a complete disaster?

Now they’re telling patients to bring physical copies of their medical records. PHYSICAL COPIES. In 2024. Because apparently, their disaster recovery plan was to time-travel back to the Mesozoic era where T-Rex doctors scribbled prescriptions on stone tablets. The IT team is likely staring at a server room full of encrypted shit-sandwiches, wondering which deity they pissed off.

And my absolute favorite part? “We cannot confirm whether patient information has been compromised.” That’s corporate speak for: “The data’s been exfiltrated, sold on the dark web, and is probably being used to fraudulently order Viagra in Uzbekistan right now, but legal said we can’t say that until after the class-action lawsuit.”

They’re still “accepting patients” though—with “modified operations.” Modified how? Are they using carrier pigeons for lab results? Smoke signals for consults? A fucking Ouija board to check medication allergies? The community clinics are closed, surgeries are canceled, and the dental clinics are probably advising patients to just chew on a willow stick and pray.

Naturally, they’re “working with law enforcement and cybersecurity experts,” because when your house is burning down, the first thing you do is invite everyone over for a fucking weenie roast. The FBI will nod solemnly, the consultants will bill $400 an hour to say “yep, you’re fucked,” and in six months, patients will get a breach letter offering one year of free credit monitoring that absolutely no one will activate.

Read the full shitshow here: https://www.bleepingcomputer.com/news/security/university-of-mississippi-medical-center-closes-clinics-after-ransomware-attack/

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Anecdote: Had a surgeon once demand admin rights because he was “smarter than any computer.” I gave him a typewriter and told him to perform a fucking appendectomy with it. He’s still trying to find the right-click button.

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