Canada Goose Gets Fucking Plucked: 600k Customer Records Fly the Coop
Oh, for fuck’s sake. Just when I thought this week couldn’t get any more shit-filled, those pretentious wankers at Canada Goose—yes, the bastards who charge you a month’s rent for a fucking jacket with a coyote fur trim—have gone and lost 600,000 customer records. That’s right, six hundred thousand people who thought dropping a grand on overpriced outerwear was a smart idea just had their personal details shat out onto the dark web.
Enter our new favorite clusterfuck of script kiddies: ALPHV, or BlackCat, or whatever the fuck they’re calling themselves this week to sound edgy. These charming gentlemen allegedly snagged the data back in June through a third-party vendor—because of course it was a third-party vendor, because why would you secure your own goddamn infrastructure when you can blame someone else’s cloud service? This time it’s Snowflake, which apparently melted under the slightest bit of hacker heat.
The haul? Names, emails, phone numbers, addresses, purchase history, and even loyalty points—because nothing says “identity theft jackpot” like knowing some wanker in Toronto has 47 Canada Goose loyalty points and three jackets. The hackers were kind enough to post a sample of the data as proof, probably while laughing their tits off at how easy this all was.
And how is our beloved jacket merchant responding? With a statement saying they’re “investigating” and taking it “seriously.” Well, la-di-fucking-da. They’ve had since June to investigate—what were they doing, counting their ill-gotten gains from selling $1,200 parkas to idiots? Meanwhile, customers are already getting phishing emails, because nothing says “we’ve got your back” like a three-month delay in telling people their data’s been compromised.
Security experts are calling Canada Goose “sluggish and opaque” in their response. No shit, Sherlock. That’s corporate speak for “we’re hoping this all blows over before our Q4 sales figures take a hit.” The company hasn’t even confirmed how many people are affected, which is corporate-ese for “we’re scared shitless of the class-action lawsuit that’s coming.”
And the kicker? This is just one of several breaches through Snowflake recently. It’s like these companies never learn—why waste money on actual security when you can just buy cyber insurance and cross your fucking fingers?
If you bought a Canada Goose jacket and you’re wondering why you’re getting emails about “updating your payment information” from some domain like “canada-goose-official-deals.ru,” now you fucking know. Check your accounts, change your passwords, and maybe next time buy a coat that doesn’t cost as much as a used car.
Related anecdote: Some dipshit called the helpdesk this morning whining about a phishing email targeting their Canada Goose account. I told them it serves them right for buying a $900 status symbol made from dead animals and using the same password everywhere like a fucking toddler. They asked what they should do. I said “Burn the jacket, move somewhere warmer, and learn what OPSEC means.” My manager says I need “sensitivity training.” I say the user needs a fucking brain transplant. Same difference.
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