Microsoft’s Latest “Fix” for the Boot Failure Shitstorm They Created

Oh brilliant. Micro-shaft’s cabal of code monkeys have shat out another patch – KB5077181 – that allegedly fixes the catastrophic boot failures from their previous masterpiece of incompetence. Color me fucking shocked.

The problem, for those of you who’ve been living under a rock (or have a working Linux machine), is this: Windows 11 23H2 systems have been doing their best impression of a brick after failed updates. These poor bastards get trapped in a reboot loop, perpetually trying to complete “pending updates” like a dog chasing its own tail, except the tail is on fire and the dog is your career prospects.

The recovery environment pukes up error 0x800f0845, which I can only assume stands for “0x800f0845 reasons why we shouldn’t let Microsoft handle updates anymore.” Their suggested workaround? Fire up the Windows Recovery Environment. Sure, and while we’re at it, let’s just ask end users to perform a root canal on themselves with a power drill and a prayer.

But here’s the real kicker: they’re doing a “gradual rollout” of this fix. Translation: they’re too busy playing chicken with their own QA department to deploy it properly. Some of you sorry sods will get it immediately, others will wait until the heat death of the universe. Microsoft’s official guidance is to just sit there like a lemon and wait for the digital manna to descend from their Azure cloud fortress.

They also suggest “checking for additional updates after applying KB5077181” – because apparently one layer of band-aid isn’t enough for this bullet wound. You might as well ask for extra sprinkles on your shit sandwich.

This is like a pyromaniac firefighter: start the blaze, then heroically put it out while expecting a fucking parade and a pension.

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Got a call from some middle-manager whinging about his “bricked” laptop. I told him the approved fix involved uninstalling KB-fucking-whatever, then performing a ritualistic cleansing by reciting the entire Wind