Microsoft Teams Takes a Massive Shit on Two Continents

Oh, for fuck’s sake. Just when you thought it was safe to have another soul-crushing Monday morning standup, Microsoft Teams decides to play corpse across the US and Europe. That’s right, the digital ulcer that is Teams has shuffled off this mortal coil, leaving approximately 280 million users staring at spinning wheels and error messages that might as well say “Fuck you, work from home somewhere else.”

The shitshow kicked off around 9 AM Eastern – because apparently, Microsoft’s cloud infrastructure has a personal vendetta against productivity – with users reporting they couldn’t send messages, join meetings, or do anything more useful than watch the app pretend to load. Naturally, the outage hit right as every goddamn manager in the Western hemisphere was trying to schedule their “quick sync” meetings.

Microsoft’s status page, that beacon of corporate bullshit, finally coughed up an acknowledgment after hundreds of users started screaming into the void of Twitter/X/whatever the hell it’s called now. Their groundbreaking advice? “Restart your client.” Brilliant. Absolutely fucking brilliant. Because clearly the problem is on the user’s end when an entire continent can’t access your service.

Admin centers are reportedly down too, which means IT departments worldwide are now officially drinking their feelings while executives demand to know why they can’t see Brenda from Accounting’s cat during the quarterly forecast meeting. The irony, of course, is that productivity probably shot up 300% the moment people realized they couldn’t be pulled into another goddamn Teams call.

As for the root cause? Microsoft is still “investigating,” which is corporate-speak for “we have no fucking clue, but our engineers are frantically sacrificing goats to the cloud gods and hoping someone checked in documentation before they quit last week.” My money’s on a routine update that someone pushed on a Friday afternoon because they wanted to get to their weekend porn binge faster.

Update: They’re now claiming “a recent deployment contained a broken connection to an internal storage service.” Translation: Some intern named Chad committed his test configuration to production because the CI/CD pipeline is about as robust as a chocolate teapot.

Read the full horror story here: https://www.bleepingcomputer.com/news/microsoft/microsoft-teams-outage-affects-users-in-united-states-europe/

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I once had a user tell me Teams was “critical infrastructure” for their cupcake business. I remotely uninstalled it from their machine and told them semaphore flags were more reliable. They cried. I counted it as a win.

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