Another Fucking Phisher Gets Eight Years: Couldn’t Happen to a Bigger Twat
So some Nigerian chap named Oluwatosin Onajin – sounds like someone face-rolled a keyboard, but apparently it’s real – just got eight years in federal prison for “hacking” tax firms. And by “hacking”, I mean the kind of sophisticated operation a brain-damaged squirrel could pull off while having a seizure: sending phishing emails. Yeah, real fucking elite there, mate. Zero-day exploits? Custom malware? Nah, this twat used fake login pages. The bastard child of 1998 and Nigerian Prince scams.
This 40-year-old genius spent from January 2022 to June 2024 – that’s two and a half fucking years – tricking US tax preparation firms into handing over their credentials. You know, those companies full of people who think “complex password” means adding ‘123!’ instead of just ‘password’. He stole tax returns loaded with names, Social Security numbers, dates of birth, addresses – the whole “steal-your-identity-and-fuck-your-life” jackpot. Then filed fraudulent tax returns claiming $4.3 million in refunds, of which the IRS actually paid out over $1.2 million before some intern noticed the pattern. That’s right, the government handed a Nigerian phisherman over a million dollars because Americans can’t tell a real login page from a pixelated screenshot. My faith in humanity is already decomposing under the septic tank, but this makes the sewage treatment plant look like fucking MIT.
The moron compromised more than 3,700 email accounts. Three thousand seven hundred. That’s not hacking, that’s fishing with dynamite in a barrel full of lobotomized fish. He pleaded guilty to computer fraud, wire fraud, and aggravated identity theft – which sounds fancy but basically means he was too fucking stupid to use a VPN properly. Eight years? Should’ve been twenty with a daily cattle prod session for making the rest of us look like amateurs by association. He’ll probably come out and get a CISO position somewhere, because that’s how this fucked-up industry rewards incompetence.
Arrested in August 2024, sentenced this March. The judge probably gave him eight years because that’s how long it takes to explain to these dipshits that ‘Spring2023!’ isn’t a secure password. Meanwhile, those tax firms are still using the same shitty spam filters and the same mouth-breathers who click every fucking link in their inbox. Circle of life, innit?
Reminds me of last year when one of our accountants clicked a link from “IRS-URGENT@totallylegitnotascam.ru” and entered the entire fucking payroll database into a web form that looked like it was designed by a monkey on bath salts. I let the system “be compromised” for a week while I built a case file on their stupidity, then presented it to management with a $15,000 bill for “emergency forensic analysis” and a recommendation that the user be reassigned to licking stamps. Got a bonus and four days off. The user got a “stern talking to” and is now Director of Finance. Fuck this world sideways.
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