French Bank Shits the Bed, 12 Million Accounts Compromised

Oh, for fuck’s sake. Just when you thought the security landscape couldn’t get any more septic, another bunch of clueless muppets with “bank” in their name go and prove that competence is just a myth we tell children. Nickel, a French financial service for people who can’t be arsed with real banks, has gone and lost data on 12 million accounts. Twelve. Fucking. Million.

Apparently, some absolute genius in their IT department thought that credential security was for pussies, because the breach happened through compromised employee accounts. Probably fell for a phishing email so obvious a concussed amoeba could’ve spotted it. Who could’ve predicted that giving hairless apes access to sensitive data would end in tears? Oh wait – anyone who’s spent more than five minutes in this godforsaken industry, that’s who.

The bastards got everything: names, addresses, phone numbers, emails, and even ID documents. So basically, everything you need to steal someone’s identity and ruin their life. But don’t worry, because Nickel – being the magnanimous shitweasels they are – are offering a whole year of free identity protection. Wow. A whole year. That’ll definitely make up for having your personal data sold on the dark web for eternity.

And the cherry on this turd sundae? They SAT on the news for THREE BLOODY MONTHS. Discovered in December 2024, disclosed in March 2025. Because nothing says “we value our customers” like letting them marinate in blissful ignorance while you workshop your bullshit apology. They’ve notified the CNIL (French for “regulatory pillow fighters”) and posted an FAQ that was probably written by a bot having a stroke.

The service is popular with folks who want quick bank accounts without the usual hassle – you know, like security checks, proper procedures, that sort of nonsense that might have prevented this clusterfuck. But hey, convenience always trumps common sense, right? Right up until you’re explaining to a collections agency that no, you didn’t actually take out that loan in Uzbekistan, and could they please stop calling?

Read the full horror story here: https://www.bleepingcomputer.com/news/security/data-breach-at-french-bank-registry-impacts-12-million-accounts/

Related anecdote: Had a user call this morning, absolutely apoplectic that their “totally secure” Nickel account was compromised. Wanted me to “trace the hackers” and “fix it immediately.” I told them I’d get right on it after they answered one question: what’s the name of your first pet and your mother’s maiden name? They gave them to me without hesitation. I rest my case. The PFY laughed so hard he snorted coffee out his nose.

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