FBI Reports 1,900 ATM Jackpotting Attacks – And I’m Not Fucking Surprised

So the FBI’s finally decided to grace us with their annual “No Shit, Sherlock” report, revealing that some absolute fucking geniuses have been robbing ATMs blind using jackpotting attacks. One thousand nine hundred incidents since 2020, and a cool $20 million pissed away in 2025 alone. Twenty. Million. Dollars. That’s not a crime wave, that’s a fucking business model.

And who’s taking it up the arse? The banks, supposedly the Fort Knoxes of the modern world. Except their idea of “security” is a Windows XP machine running a screensaver of a padlock and some middle-manager’s nephew’s idea of a firewall. These dipshits are still using default passwords and USB ports wide open like a cheap whore on payday. You could probably jackpot one of these bastards with a fucking Raspberry Zero and a stale sandwich.

The modus operandi? Criminals pop the ATM open like a tin of beans, plug in their malware-laden USB stick—which was probably bought from some teenage script kiddie for the price of a Starbucks—and suddenly the machine’s shitting out cash like it’s got a bad case of financial diarrhoea. The FBI calls it “sophisticated.” I call it “using the fucking front door because the bank’s IT department couldn’t find their own arseholes with both hands and a map.”

You know what the real pisser is? Management will read this and shit themselves, then immediately approve a $5 million “security audit” by some consultancy firm staffed by morons who think “SSH” is a sound you make when you’re depressed. Meanwhile, I’ll suggest physically locking the USB ports with epoxy and disabling the fucking Windows autorun—solutions that cost about £3.50 and a pint of bitter—and they’ll look at me like I’ve just suggested sacrificing goats to the server gods. Which, frankly, would be more effective than their current strategy.

The FBI’s solution? “Improved endpoint protection” and “enhanced physical security.” Translation: they’re going to install another shitty antivirus that slows the machine down to the speed of government bureaucracy and stick a £2 padlock on the side that any toddler with a paperclip could pick. Meanwhile, the actual solution—like, I don’t know, NOT RUNNING A FUCKING ATM ON AN OS THAT’S OLD ENOUGH TO VOTE—remains stubbornly off the table.

Frankly, the criminals are the only ones showing any initiative here. At least they’re fucking trying. The banks are just bending over, spreading their cheeks, and screaming “THANK YOU SIR MAY I HAVE ANOTHER” while their insurance premiums go through the roof. And guess who pays for that in the end? Every poor sod with a bank account, that’s who.

Read the full bureaucratic wankfest here: https://thehackernews.com/2026/02/fbi-reports-1900-atm-jackpotting.html

ANECDOTE: This reminds me of the time our finance director demanded we “modernize” our ATM in the staff cafeteria. I installed Linux on it, locked it down tighter than a nun’s habit, and set it to play “Highway to Hell” every time someone withdrew cash. Management lost their fucking minds, screaming about “brand consistency” and “user experience.” I told them the “experience” was not getting robbed blind by a teenager with a thumb drive. They made me revert it. Two months later, some intern plugged in his phone charger and the thing shat out three grand in twenties. The director asked what happened. I said, “That’s your fucking user experience, right there.” I kept my job because I’m the only one who knows where the bodies are buried—digitally speaking.

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