General Catalyst Commits $5B to India, Because Apparently We Need More Fucking Startups

Oh brilliant. Just what the world fucking needs. General Catalyst has decided to take $5 billion—yes, billion with a B—and spray it across India like a drunk bloke at a stag party over the next five years. Because the first few waves of VC cash clearly didn’t generate enough fucking “super apps” that crash more often than Windows ME on a bad day.

According to the article, these geniuses are “doubling down” on the Indian market, which is VC-speak for “we finally looked at a population chart and realized there are 1.4 billion potential victims for our SaaS scams.” They’re targeting fintech, AI, and healthcare—so more apps that’ll lose my payment data, chatbots that’ll tell me to eat rocks when I’m sick, and subscription services for my fucking bathroom habits.

The managing director, some twat in a Patagonia vest, is quoted as saying India’s “digital infrastructure” is “unprecedented.” No shit, Sherlock. They’ve got internet and phones. Welcome to the 21st century, here’s your participation trophy and a term sheet. He also mumbled something about “demographic dividend” while probably calculating his carry in his head.

And of course, they’re setting up a local team—because nothing says “we trust you” like installing a bunch of partners who’ll fly business class to San Francisco every other week to explain why their portfolio companies are hemorrhaging cash like a severed artery. They’ll compete with Sequoia and Accel in a dick-measuring contest to see who can burn LP money the fastest on “founders” whose entire tech stack is built on other people’s APIs and delusion.

The best part? This $5B “commitment” includes follow-on investments, which means half of it’ll go to propping up their existing zombie companies that should’ve been mercy-killed two funding rounds ago. But sure, let’s call it “conviction” and not “admitting we fucked up and need to double down on our bad decisions.”

Link: https://techcrunch.com/2026/02/19/general-catalyst-commits-5b-to-india-over-five-years/

Anecdote: Had a “founder” from Mumbai call me last week, whining that his AI-powered chai delivery app was down. Turns out he’d spent $3M of seed funding on a “Blockchain-enabled loyalty program” instead of actual fucking servers. I told him his real problem wasn’t the tech—it was that he hadn’t yet learned the ancient startup art of blaming the customer. Advised him to send a “personalized sunset notice” to all users, claiming they “weren’t ready for this level of innovation.” He made me a “strategic advisor.” The world’s fucked.

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