7 Fucking Days Until These Shitweasels Jack Up Prices For Their Tech Bro Circle-Jerk
Oh look, another fucking TechCrunch Disrupt announcement lands in my news feed like a turd in a swimming pool. In exactly seven days—mark your calendars, you gullible bastards—these opportunistic wankers are jacking up ticket prices for their 2026 circle-jerk in San Francisco. Because nothing says “we support innovation” like bleeding desperate startup founders dry before they’ve even mortgaged their grandmother’s house for seed funding.
Right now, you can snag a General Admission pass for the low, low price of $395, which is already taking the piss. Come next week, that same piece of QR code-enabled wankery jumps to $595. Student tickets? Going from $95 to $145. They’re even audacious enough to call these prices “Early Bird” like they’re doing you a fucking favour. The only early bird here is the vulture picking at your wallet’s corpse.
What does your precious ticket get you? Access to the Startup Battlefield, where 20 delusional wannabe Zuckerbergs pitch ideas that’ll be bankrupt by Christmas. “Intimate” networking sessions with VCs who’ll drink your free beer then ghost you harder than your Tinder date. And let’s not forget the “world-class” speakers—aka CEOs who’ll spend 45 minutes humblebragging about their “journey” while subtly promoting their new book. The real value proposition? The fucking canapés, and even those run out by day two.
The whole shitshow runs October 14-16 at the Moscone Center, where the air conditioning will be fucked and the Wi-Fi will be slower than a dead sloth. But sure, rush to buy your tickets now before the price goes up. Wouldn’t want to miss the opportunity to be trapped in a convention center with 5,000 other desperate souls all pretending they’re not there to beg for money. Fuck me.
Related: Back in ’24, I “accidentally” configured the Disrupt app to auto-connect attendees to the nearest competitor’s booth instead of the ones they wanted. Watching those smarmy startup founders try to pitch their “disruptive” dog-walking app to a legacy enterprise hardware vendor was the highlight of my fucking year. The bug report was spectacular.
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