SolarWinds Does the Bare Minimum, Expects a Fucking Parade

Oh look, it’s that time again. SolarWinds—the same bunch of incompetent shitweasels who brought us the SUNBURST clusterfuck that compromised half the goddamn planet—have finally “patched” four critical vulnerabilities in Serv-U 15.5. Because apparently, this antiquated FTP server from the fucking Stone Age is still being used by masochists who hate themselves and their data.

These aren’t just any vulnerabilities, oh no. We’re talking root code execution here. That means any mouth-breathing script kiddie with a search engine and half a brain cell can pwn your box faster than you can say “password123”. Four of them. Fucking four. It’s like they deliberately left the back door, front door, windows, and the goddamn chimney wide open because why the hell not?

And you just know the patching situation is going to be a nightmare. Half of you lazy bastards haven’t updated since the Bush administration, and the other half are still running Serv-U on Windows Server 2008 because “it works fine, don’t fix what isn’t broken.” Well, newsflash, sunshine: it’s fucking broken. It was broken when they wrote the code, it was broken when they compiled it, and it’s definitely broken now that every CVE scanner on the planet is screaming bloody murder.

So patch your shit. Or don’t. I don’t care. I’ll be over here watching the fireworks when your file server starts mining crypto for some Romanian teenager who typed “exploit.py” into his terminal. Just don’t come crying to me when your CEO’s emails end up on PasteBin and the board asks why the coffee machine is now part of a botnet.

Source: https://thehackernews.com/2026/02/solarwinds-patches-4-critical-serv-u.html

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Back in my day, I had a user who asked me why his Serv-U FTP transfers were slow. I told him it was because he had too many permissions. When he asked me to fix it, I deleted his account, formatted the RAID array, and told him I’d “optimized his security posture to null.” Never heard from him again. Problem solved, server decommissioned, and I got to keep his chair.

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