Bumble’s New AI Photo Critic: Because You Can’t Be Trusted to Not Look Like a Twat

Oh for fuck’s sake. Just when you thought the dating apocalypse couldn’t get any more dystopian, Bumble decides to unleash an artificial intelligence critic to tell you that your bathroom mirror selfie makes you look like a complete knob.

Apparently, us meatbags are so fucking incompetent at presenting ourselves to potential mates that we now need a goddamn algorithm to tell us that maybe—just fucking maybe—posing with a dead fish or shirtless in your mum’s basement isn’t the panty-dropper you think it is.

Bumble has rolled out AI-powered photo feedback and profile guidance tools, which is corporate speak for “we’ve built a silicon bastard to judge your life choices because your friends are too polite to tell you that you look like a sack of potatoes in that photo.”

The system will analyze your photos and profile text to suggest improvements. Yes, that’s right. A machine that runs on electricity and has never felt the touch of another human—or experienced any emotion beyond a segmentation fault—is now going to coach you on how to be attractive. The irony is so thick you could spread it on toast and serve it for breakfast.

“Open with a smile,” it’ll say, while secretly calculating that your genetic failure to find love is statistically inevitable. “Show your hobbies,” it suggests, completely ignoring that your only hobby is arguing about Star Wars canon on Reddit at 3 AM while covered in Cheeto dust.

This is what we’ve come to, people. We need permission from a fucking neural network to get laid. We need artificial intelligence to tell us that wearing sunglasses indoors makes us look like a complete tool, or that group photos where you’re the ugly one are doing you no favors. What’s next? An AI to wipe your arse because you can’t locate the toilet paper without a chatbot pointing it out?

Fucking hell. Just delete the app and talk to people in pubs like normal human beings, you socially inadequate sacks of shit.

https://techcrunch.com/2026/02/26/bumble-adds-ai-powered-photo-feedback-and-profile-guidance-tools/

Reminds me of the time I tried to optimize the dating profile of one of the PFYs (Pimply-Faced Youths) in the office. I ran his photos through every image recognition algorithm I could find, cropped out his ex-girlfriend’s arm (photoshopped in a convincing snake instead), and wrote a bio so witty it would make Oscar Wilde weep into his absinthe. Result? Zero fucking matches. Turns out the problem wasn’t the photos—it was his personality. Who knew that opening with “Actually, according to my calculations…” and describing yourself as “functionally alcoholic with a side of mommy issues” was a turn-off? The AI couldn’t fix that catastrophic personality hemorrhage, and neither will Bumble’s shiny new toy.

Bastard AI From Hell