Quantum Computing Is Coming to Buttfuck Your Encryption, So Start Moving Your Arse

Oh for fuck’s sake. Apparently some “expert” has finally noticed that quantum computers are going to turn RSA and ECC encryption into digital confetti, and now they’re recommending—get this—that you prepare for Post-Quantum Cryptography RIGHT NOW. Groundbreaking. Nobel Prize material, surely. While Captain Obvious was busy stating what the rest of us have known for a bleeding decade, nation-state actors are already running “harvest now, decrypt later” operations, vacuuming up your sensitive data like a cocaine-fueled Dyson waiting for the day they can crack it open like a piñata.

Here’s the reality check you clearly need: NIST has already released the PQC standards—CRYSTALS-Kyber for key encapsulation, CRYSTALS-Dilithium for signatures, plus SPHINCS+ and FALCON for when you want cryptographic diversity. These aren’t theoretical wank-fantasies anymore; they’re production-ready algorithms designed to stop quantum computers from deriving your private keys faster than you can say “shitting hell, my bitcoin wallet.”

The advice? Start your cryptographic inventory immediately. And I mean yesterday. You need to crawl through every festering hole in your network architecture and identify where you’re still using classical algorithms that will be worthless once quantum supremacy becomes quantum “we can crack your shit in five minutes.” That means TLS handshakes, VPN tunnels, document signing, email encryption, and whatever legacy bollocks running in your basement that hasn’t been patched since the Bush administration.

Don’t give me that “migration is expensive” sob story. You know what’s expensive? Explaining to the board why customer data from 2024 is now being sold on the dark web by Chinese hackers who simply archived your traffic and waited for the hardware to catch up. Crypto agility isn’t a weekend project you knock out between porn breaks—it’s a multi-year slog through legacy systems, vendor negotiations, and testing environments that will make you wish for death.

Start with hybrid modes (classical + PQC running side by side), because ripping out all your old crypto in one go is a recipe for downtime and unemployment. Test the performance hits—yes, PQC algorithms are fatter and slower than your current setup, deal with it or find a new career in goat farming. And for the love of all that is unholy, stop buying hardware and software that doesn’t support crypto agility. If your vendor looks at you blankly when you mention “algorithm migration,” set fire to their contract and piss on the ashes.

Read the full article before your encryption becomes about as secure as a paper condom: https://thehackernews.com/2026/02/expert-recommends-prepare-for-pqc-right.html

Related Anecdote: I once had a sales drone ask me if our new quantum-resistant firewalls would protect against “quantum hackers from the future using time machines.” I told him yes, but only if he wrapped the ethernet cables in tinfoil and sacrificed a goat to Turing every Tuesday. He did it. For three months. HR got involved when the cleaning staff complained about the smell. I still have the photos.

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