Apple’s “Far Out” Event: The Same Shiny Shit, Now With Satellites
Right, so Apple rolled out its usual polished circus in the “Far Out” event, which is basically the annual ceremony where they repackage expensive glass rectangles and act like they’ve personally dragged humanity out of the bloody Stone Age.
The big headline was the iPhone 14 lineup. Surprise, surprise: there’s a regular model, bigger model, Pro model, and “we know you’ll pay stupid money for this” model. The standard iPhone 14 got the usual incremental upgrades—better cameras, better battery life, and the same sort of breathless marketing gibberish that makes you want to unplug the nearest projector. The Pro models got more attention, of course, including the new Dynamic Island, which is Apple’s way of saying, “That black cutout on the screen? It’s not a flaw, it’s a feature, you gullible bastards.”
Apple also shoved in crash detection and emergency satellite messaging, which, to be fair, is actually useful. If you drive your car into a ditch in the middle of nowhere, your overpriced pocket ornament might help rescue services find your sorry arse. So credit where it’s due: that bit is less marketing wank and more genuinely practical engineering.
Then there was the Apple Watch Series 8, which continues the proud tradition of being a watch that does everything except tell you to stop buying unnecessary shit. It got temperature sensing, expanded health tracking, and crash detection too, because apparently every device now has to assume you’re one bad turn away from becoming roadside debris.
The more interesting bit in the watch lineup was the Apple Watch Ultra, aimed at endurance athletes, divers, explorers, and other maniacs who enjoy suffering outdoors on purpose. It’s tougher, bigger, brighter, and more expensive—naturally. If you’ve ever wanted a smartwatch that looks like it could survive reentry while you gasp halfway up a mountain, Apple’s got you covered.
They also updated the AirPods Pro with better noise cancellation, improved sound, and more efficient power usage. In other words, your tiny white ear-plugs now do a slightly better job of blocking out the morons around you. Useful in open-plan offices, family gatherings, and any Apple keynote.
The article’s general takeaway is that Apple didn’t reinvent the universe, despite what their marketing department would no doubt claim after a line of cocaine and a keynote rehearsal. Instead, they refined the product range, added some legitimately handy safety features, and gave the premium devices enough extra glitter to keep the faithful queueing up to hand over organs for financing.
So the event boils down to this: better iPhones, more capable watches, upgraded earbuds, and a fresh load of hype sprayed over the whole lot like industrial air freshener in a server room after someone’s let the magic smoke out. Useful improvements? Yes. Revolutionary? Don’t take the piss.
Anyway, this whole thing reminds me of a user who once demanded an “urgent hardware refresh” because their old phone was “unusable.” Turned out they just wanted the new shiny model because the camera made their lunch look more expensive on Instagram. We migrated their data, they dropped the thing in a toilet two days later, and somehow I was the bastard. Business as usual.
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