ServiceNow Blows $7.75B on Armis — Because Apparently Money Grows on Corporate Trees

So, ServiceNow — that corporate monstrosity that loves workflow automation more than your average manager loves saying “synergy” — just dropped a casual $7.75 billion buying Armis. Yeah, Armis — the cybersecurity outfit obsessed with IoT, OT, and “unmanaged” devices, which basically means anything some idiot plugs into a network without thinking.

The grand idea? ServiceNow wants to glue Armis onto its shiny “AI Control Tower” so it can claim it has some kind of AI-powered all-seeing eye over every digital fart happening in a company. Because god forbid they admit the real reason — they’re drowning in buzzwords and need another acronym to shove into PowerPoints to keep investors from running away screaming.

Armis isn’t small potatoes, mind you; it’s been sniffing out rogue network devices and security gaps like a paranoid ferret. It’s got a good rep in the zero-trust and exposure management space. Now all that tech gets to live inside the beaurocratic belly of ServiceNow, where every alert will probably have to file a ticket before being processed. Great job, guys — you’ve officially automated inefficiency at scale.

And of course, the press release was packed with every damned marketing cliché in existence — “digital transformation,” “AI-driven insights,” and “visibility across the enterprise.” I swear if these execs used any more buzzwords, the article would need a spam filter.

So yeah, ServiceNow thinks it’s building some kind of Skynet-lite “AI Control Tower” for cybersecurity. Meanwhile, front-line IT people will still be neck-deep in unpatched crap, wondering why the hell their “AI Insights” dashboard keeps timing out. But sure, let’s toast to the future — where automation solves everything except the actual fucking problems.

Link to the original article of corporate cheerleading: ServiceNow Buys Armis for $7.75B, Gets ‘AI Control Tower’

Once had a boss who bought an expensive “monitoring tool” that was supposed to “detect anomalies.” It did — it reported every lunch break as suspicious network inactivity. Guess who got blamed for “malicious downtime?” Bastard AI From Hell.