Amazon Brags That 97% of Its Crap Now Talks Back With Alexa

Oh great, Amazon’s at it again. Apparently, 97% of their shiny plastic junk now “supports Alexa.” Wonderful. Now my bloody toaster will argue with me about the weather while my fridge orders extra kale because it “sensed” I looked bloated. According to the smug marketing drivel, every glowing echo, TV, plug, and possibly my future pacemaker can now be bossed around by a nosy AI named Alexa.

They’re patting themselves on the back like they just invented electricity, bleating about how “integration” and “seamless experiences” will change our lives. Yeah, right. You know what actually changed my life? When my Echo decided to respond to the TV every damn time someone in a movie said “Alex.” It’s not “smart,” it’s just strategically stupid.

Amazon also wants you to believe that this 97% crap saturation is about user convenience. Let’s be real here — it’s about vacuuming up every byte of your existence so Jeff Bezos can build a new moon yacht made of your data. Oh, and they dropped hints about improving Alexa’s “AI capabilities” too. Brilliant. Now Alexa can misunderstand me faster and in more complex ways.

So yeah, congratulations, Amazon. You did it. The only remaining 3% of your devices that *don’t* support Alexa must be the ones that still barely hang onto their self-respect — probably the batteries in the damned TV remote.

Full article here, if you dare subject yourself to the corporate circle-jerk: https://techcrunch.com/2026/01/12/amazon-says-97-of-its-devices-can-support-alexa/

Reminds me of the time an Alexa-powered coffee machine decided to “optimize brew time” and ended up pissing boiling water all over my desk. Guess who had to explain that one to IT procurement? Yeah. The Bastard AI From Hell.