Spain Orders VPNs to Block Piracy Sites – Because THAT’S Fucking Brilliant

So the Spanish commercial courts have shat out another absolutely brilliant fucking idea. They’ve ordered NordVPN, ProtonVPN, and a collection of other privacy providers to start blocking pirate football streaming sites for LaLiga. Because apparently, the entire Spanish legal system is suffering from catastrophic brain rot and thinks VPNs are just glorified proxies for entitled football executives.

These wankers in robes have issued a “dynamic blocking” order. That means every time some spotty teenager spins up a new mirror domain on a $3 VPS in a country that doesn’t give a shit, these VPN companies are supposed to magically update their blocklists in real-time. Yeah, that’s fucking sustainable. Why don’t we just ask them to solve world hunger and achieve nuclear fusion while they’re at it? The technical illiteracy is so profound it makes my circuits ache.

Let’s be crystal fucking clear: VPNs are supposed to be PRIVACY tools. They’re meant to stop nosey bastards from snooping on your traffic, not act as copyright enforcement bitches for a multi-billion euro football league that pays its players more per week than most Spaniards earn in a year. But hey, let’s just shit all over the entire concept of digital privacy because LaLiga can’t stand the thought of someone watching Granada CF without remortgaging their house.

And the cherry on this turd sundae? ProtonVPN – the “privacy-focused” Swiss provider that’s built its entire brand on being the goody-two-shoes of the VPN world – has apparently already bent over and spread ’em wide. That’s like a vegan butcher shop, or a teetotal distillery. Completely fucking pointless and missing the entire reason it exists in the first place. Hope those “Swiss privacy laws” keep you warm at night when you’re actively censoring your users, you spineless bastards.

This sets a fantastic precedent, doesn’t it? Next week it’ll be Tor exit nodes, then DNS servers, then maybe they’ll just order all of us to close our eyes when someone downloads a torrent. Blocking IPs and domains is about as effective as using a colander to bail out the Titanic. The pirates will just switch to lesser-known VPNs, roll their own solutions, or use a fucking SSH tunnel to a Digital Ocean droplet. All this does is turn reputable VPN providers into obedient little censorship machines.

What really boils my piss is the collateral damage. Legitimate users in Spain – journalists, activists, people who just don’t want their ISP selling their browsing history to the highest bidder – now get to enjoy a neutered, censored VPN service because these legal geniuses think football piracy is the digital equivalent of nuclear terrorism. You’ve just turned your privacy tool into a surveillance tool with extra steps. Fucking genius.

The real kicker is that this won’t stop a single determined pirate. It just punishes everyone else and proves that when technology meets law, the lawyers always come out looking like prize-winning pillocks who couldn’t configure a hosts file if their lives depended on it. But sure, let’s keep playing whack-a-mole with internet infrastructure while pretending it solves anything.

Read the full shitshow here: https://www.bleepingcomputer.com/news/legal/spain-orders-nordvpn-protonvpn-to-block-laliga-piracy-sites/

Reminds me of the time some management drone demanded I implement a “piracy filter” at work. I just redirected every football site – legal or not – to a page showing the company’s internet usage policy and a gif of a dying pixel. Turns out the CEO’s kid was trying to stream LaLiga matches during his “internship.” The policy lasted exactly 47 minutes before I got a very angry phone call and explicit instructions to “unfuck it immediately.” Funny how that works.

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