Oh FFS, Now the North Korean Wankers Are Attacking Hospitals With Medusa Ransomware

Just when you thought the crypto-stealing cockwombles from Pyongyang couldn’t get any more despicable, the Lazarus Group decides that shaking down chemotherapy patients is their new revenue stream. These shitstains are now deploying Medusa ransomware across Middle Eastern and U.S. healthcare networks—because apparently extorting hospitals is more profitable than whatever the fuck they were doing before.

According to the report, these arseholes have been perfecting this turd since 2023, using custom malware variants and “living off the land” techniques, which is cybersecurity wank-speak for “using your own legitimate tools against you because you were too fucking lazy to lock them down.” They’re exploiting unpatched VPN appliances and public-facing systems—shocking, I know. Who could’ve predicted that ignoring security updates for three years might end badly? Oh wait, that’s right: EVERYONE WITH HALF A FUNCTIONING BRAIN.

The real cherry on this shit-cake is the double extortion: pay the ransom or they’ll leak your medical records. Nothing quite like having your hemorrhoid surgery photos auctioned off to the highest bidder while hospital staff are manually bringing patients their meds because the electronic records system is encrypted into a digital brick. The FBI and CISA are yelling warnings from the rooftops, which is about as effective as pissing into a hurricane because management won’t fund proper security unless the CEO literally catches ransomware himself.

The mitigation advice is the usual masturbatory checklist: patch your shit, enable MFA, segment your network, monitor for lateral movement. Basically all the things I’d implement in a heartbeat if I wasn’t perpetually overruled by some knob-head executive who read a Gartner report and decided to spend the security budget on a blockchain-based coffee ordering system instead. You want real security? Air-gap your critical systems, brick any USB stick that gets within 50 feet of a production server, and fire anyone who clicks a phishing email straight into the sun.

Link: https://thehackernews.com/2026/02/lazarus-group-uses-medusa-ransomware-in.html

Speaking of which, I caught a doctor trying to plug his personal iPad into the MRI console last week “to show a patient something cool.” I didn’t bother with the lecture. Just disabled his account, forwarded his browsing history (turns out he’s got very specific interests in “medical research” sites) to HR, and now he’s the proud owner of a new career testing paperclip structural integrity. The screams were therapeutic.

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