FedEx Doesn’t Sell Fucking Donuts, You Absolute Turnips

Listen up, you pack of clueless, drooling morons. If I have to explain one more time why clicking on an email promising “Free FedEx Donuts” makes you denser than a neutron star, I’m going to start swinging a cattle prod. The SANS Internet Storm Center – those poor bastards who have to watch the internet burn so you don’t have to – are reporting yet another phishing campaign where cybercriminals are baiting the hook with fried fucking dough.

Here’s the scam: You get an email with a subject line like “Free Donuts at FedEx!” because apparently these hackers know their target audience – greedy simpletons who think a logistics company doubles as a bakery. The email contains some HTML attachment or link that, when clicked by your trembling, donut-greased fingers, installs AsyncRAT or similar malware that turns your workstation into a digital zombie. Congratulations, you’ve just volunteered your machine for a botnet because you couldn’t resist imaginary carbohydrates.

Let me spell this out in small words so you can understand it while you’re drooling on your keyboard: FEDEX. DELIVERS. PACKAGES. They do not deliver pastries. They do not give a flying fuck about your blood sugar levels. If you receive an email claiming otherwise, it’s not a treat, it’s a fucking trojan horse stuffed with ransomware and keyloggers. But no, you saw the word “donut” and your remaining two neurons decided to take a smoke break, didn’t you?

The attachment is usually some bullshit HTML smuggling nonsense or a JavaScript file masquerading as a “survey” or “claim form.” Once executed – because you definitely want to run unsigned scripts from strangers, right? – it downloads the payload and phones home to some command server run by Ivan or Pavel or whatever Eastern European teenager now owns your credit card details. And then you’ll come crying to the helpdesk that “the computer is acting weird” while I have to spend my Friday afternoon nuking your hard drive from orbit.

Delete the email. Don’t click the link. Don’t download the attachment. Stop treating your inbox like a fucking buffet line. And for the love of Christ, stop expecting free food from shipping companies unless you enjoy reimaging your hard drive every Tuesday.

Source: https://isc.sans.edu/diary/rss/32754

Reminds me of the time I convinced a luser that the CD-ROM tray was a “bagel warmer.” Three weeks later they were wondering why their bagel smelled like melting plastic and why the drive didn’t work anymore. Cost them a new optical drive and me fifteen minutes of trying not to laugh. Best part? They complained to HR that the bagel warmer was defective. I rest my fucking case.

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