Oh For Fuck’s Sake, Telus Digital Just Shat the Bed With a Petabyte of Data

Telus Digital has finally confirmed what we all suspected: they’ve been royally fist-fucked by some script kiddie who claims to have made off with a whole goddamn petabyte of their data. That’s right, one thousand fucking terabytes of corporate secrets, employee PII, and whatever other digital turds they were hoarding on what was probably an unsecured S3 bucket or some half-arsed Snowflake instance they forgot to password-protect because someone in management said “security slows down innovation.”

These fucking geniuses noticed “unusual activity” in their cloud environment—which is corporate speak for “holy shit, someone’s draining our database like a frat boy at a kegger”—and finally admitted that yes, some bastard has been rummaging through their digital knicker drawer with a shopping cart. The hacker, presumably laughing their arse off while auctioning this treasure trove on the dark web, claims they’ve got everything from source code to employee records to customer databases. Because of course they do. Why bother encrypting anything at rest when you can just leave it wide open for any Tom, Dick, or Harry with a stolen credential from 2019 and a prayer?

And here’s the best fucking part: Telus Digital is desperately trying to downplay this monumental cock-up by whimpering that it only affects a “limited number of customers” and “certain employees.” Oh well, that’s alright then! It’s not like a petabyte of data could possibly contain anything sensitive, right? Just a few measly social security numbers, payroll data, internal communications, and probably every email where management called the employees “expendable meatbags.” No biggie. Sleep tight, everyone.

This is the same old shit, different day. Some moron in the C-suite clicked a phishing link disguised as a DoorDash coupon, reused “Password123!” across every admin account, or forgot to rotate API keys since the fucking Clinton administration. Then the PR team rolls out the “we take security seriously” bollocks while quietly preparing the identity theft protection coupons and legal disclaimers for the poor bastards whose lives just got turned into a fraudster’s all-you-can-eat buffet. Meanwhile, the CTO is probably updating their LinkedIn to “open to new opportunities” while pretending this dumpster fire is just a “learning experience.”

Article Source: https://www.bleepingcomputer.com/news/security/telus-digital-confirms-breach-after-hacker-claims-1-petabyte-data-theft/

Reminds me of the time the Finance Director demanded root access to “check the backups” and proceeded to pipe the entire customer database to an email attachment. Took me three fucking days to explain why you can’t attach 40GB of CSV files to a fucking Outlook message, and another week to purge the exchange logs before compliance found out. These people couldn’t secure a paper bag with a padlock, let alone a petabyte of cloud data.

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