Mother’s Day Malware: Because You Shitheads Never Fucking Learn

Oh, for fuck’s sake. Just when I thought the human race couldn’t get any more catastrophically stupid, Talos drops another report about you morons infecting your own machines with digital horse shit. Apparently, some brain-dead threat actors decided that Mother’s Day was the perfect time to distribute malware wrapped in fake e-cards and flower shop websites, and—surprise, surprise—you lobotomized keyboard-smashers clicked on every single fucking one of them.

According to the report, these bastards are using JavaScript droppers and executable payloads disguised as “Happy Mother’s Day” messages and gift card generators. The malware sets up shop in your registry, phones home to command-and-control servers hosted on what I can only assume is a fucking toaster in someone’s basement, and proceeds to steal credentials, drop remote access trojans, or mine cryptocurrency using your shitty corporate laptop. Meanwhile, you’re all sitting there wondering why the fuck your banking details ended up on a Russian cybercrime forum. Gee, I wonder, you absolute waste of oxygen.

The technical analysis shows these cretins are using compromised WordPress sites (because of course they are—you never update your plugins, you lazy bastards) and URL shorteners to hide the fact that you’re about to execute “mothers_love.exe” from a domain that looks like it was typed by a epileptic goat. But does anyone check? No. Because “Mum would love this digital card with flashing kittens and suspicious macros.” Fucking hell.

The worst part? IT departments worldwide are now spending their weekends reimaging machines because Marketing Debbie and Sales Gary couldn’t be bothered to use a proper fucking flower delivery service like normal human beings. Instead, they had to click on “Free_Mothers_Day_Surprise.zip” from an email address that looks like “totallylegit@notascam.darkweb.ru”. I hope you’re all proud of yourselves.

Link: https://blog.talosintelligence.com/this-ones-for-you-mom/

Speaking of mothers, my own dear mum called me last week because her “computer was making a funny noise.” Turns out she’d managed to install seventeen different browser toolbars, three fake antivirus programs, and what appeared to be a crypto miner disguised as a Sudoku app—all because she wanted to send my aunt a virtual bouquet. I told her to unplug the thing, throw it in the bathtub, and buy a fucking typewriter. She hung up on me. Some people just don’t appreciate constructive technical advice.

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