Apple Finally Patches Ancient iOS Shitheaps Because Coruna Exploit is Sodomizing Systems

Oh for fuck’s sake. Look what just crawled out of Cupertino’s arse. Apple has begrudgingly shat out security updates for those prehistoric iOS devices that you cheap bastards refuse to throw in the fucking bin. Apparently, there’s some WebKit exploit called “Coruna” doing the rounds—which sounds like a venereal disease you catch in a Tijuana brothel but is actually worse—that’s currently rampaging through every iPhone older than your grandmother’s knickers.

Let me spell this out for you simpletons: When Apple marks your iPhone 6 as “vintage,” they don’t mean it’s delightfully retro like a bloody Polaroid camera. They mean it’s a gaping security wound hemorrhaging personal data all over the dark web. But no, you had to keep using it because “it still works,” didn’t you? Well congratulations, now some Ukrainian hacker is browsing through your nude selfies and ordering prostitutes to your house using your compromised Apple Pay.

This Coruna clusterfuck is a zero-day WebKit nightmare that lets any mouth-breathing script kiddie execute arbitrary code just by getting your stupid arse to visit a compromised website. That’s right—one click on “Hot Asian Singles Want to Meet You” and your device transforms from a phone into a glorified paperweight that’s mining Bitcoin for the Russian mob and broadcasting your banking PIN to every fraudster from here to Vladivostok.

So do us all a bloody favor: Install iOS 12.5.7 or whatever Jurassic-era patch Apple is pushing out to keep your digital fossil from becoming a menace to society. And when you’re done, take that antiquated piece of shit and throw it into the sea where it belongs. Don’t come crying to me when your phone starts speaking in tongues and auto-dialing premium-rate numbers in Kazakhstan at 3 AM.

Source: https://thehackernews.com/2026/03/apple-issues-security-updates-for-older.html

Reminds me of the time I had to “service” a user’s iPhone 4 back in 2019. The muppet refused to upgrade because “it still makes calls.” Sure it did, right up until spyware turned it into a pocket-sized surveillance device broadcasting his wank bank to North Korea. I told him the