US Marshals Lose $46M Because Apparently Security is Just a Fucking Suggestion

Oh joyous fucking day. The FBI finally managed to catch the brain trust who thought stealing $46 million in cryptocurrency from the US Marshals Service was a stellar career move. Turns out when you rob the fucking federal government, they tend to get a bit touchy about it. Who knew?

This absolute fucking weapon, Oluwaseun Adebola (because of course he used his real identity like a complete moron), allegedly managed to worm his way into the Marshals’ systems and drain a crypto wallet containing seized assets. Forty-six. Million. Dollars. Poof. Gone. Because some sysadmin probably left the password as “Password123” taped to the fucking monitor.

Here’s the kicker: these dipshits think blockchain is anonymous. Newsflash, you fucking donkey—it’s a permanent record of every transaction you’ve ever made! It’s like robbing a bank and leaving your business card at the scene, except the business card is etched into fucking stone forever. And this genius decided to cash out through exchanges that require KYC. Motherfucker probably uploaded his driver’s license and a selfie holding a sign saying “I AM THE CRYPTO THIEF” while standing in front of his house.

The Marshals aren’t off the hook either. This clusterfuck apparently happened because they had vulnerabilities in thei