Another Day, Another Shitshow: MedTech Gets the Wiper Treatment
Oh for fuck’s sake. Just when I thought my morning couldn’t get any more migraine-inducing, Stryker – yes, that billion-dollar medical tech behemoth that apparently stores patient data on systems held together with digital duct tape – has gone tits-up thanks to Iran-linked wiper malware.
Apparently, some Iranian threat actors – because we can’t just call them hackers anymore, oh no, we need theatrical fucking names – decided that destroying Stryker’s systems was more fun than asking for Bitcoin like normal criminals. So they deployed a wiper. Not ransomware. A wiper. As in “say goodbye to your shit, it’s gone.” And just like that, Stryker’s infrastructure is about as useful as a chocolate teapot in a blast furnace.
The company had to take everything offline faster than management runs for the fire exits when the budget cuts are announced. Manufacturing, logistics, probably the fancy coffee machines in the C-suite – all of it. Dark. Because apparently, backing up critical medical data was too fucking complicated for a company that makes surgical robots worth more than my house.
And don’t get me started on the “we’re investigating with cybersecurity experts” bullshit press release. Translation: They called in consultants who charge $500 an hour to tell them what any PFY fresh out of college could see – your shit wasn’t patched, your firewall was configured by a concussed hamster, and now you’re playing find-the-backup-tape in a storage closet that smells like 1997.
Iran-linked. Probably some group with a cool name like “CyberAvengers” or “Digital Sandstorm” or whatever sounds scary in PowerPoint presentations for the beancounters. Meanwhile, Stryker’s IT team is explaining to the CEO why the “unhackable” network they spent millions on is currently being reformatted by script kiddies with government backing. I hope someone’s updating their LinkedIn profile, because that resume is about to get some fucking exercise.
Reminds me of the time the PFY accidentally triggered the halon system in the server room because he thought it was the energy drink vending machine button. Lost three racks and the CEO’s “irreplaceable” golf trip photos. I told management we needed better labeling and actual backups. They bought us a new microwave instead. Bastards.
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