Quantum Bullshit: Now With Extra Pre-Emptive Hype

Oh look, another bunch of Sand Hill Road wankers have emerged from their cryptocurrency hangover to tell us that enterprises need to be “already running” on quantum computing before the fucking thing even arrives. Because apparently, the best way to prepare for technology that breaks if you look at it funny is to throw millions at it right fucking now.

This startup—who I won’t name because they’ve got enough SEO juice from TechCrunch already—wants your company to start using “quantum-inspired algorithms” or some other oxymoronic bollocks. Translation: they’re selling you software that runs on normal computers but uses quantum buzzwords so they can charge ten times the price. It’s like putting a Ferrari badge on a Fiat Punto and insisting it’ll go faster because of “racing DNA.”

You want to know what “enterprise-ready” means in quantum terms? It means spending seven figures on cooling systems that keep the processor at 15 millikelvin—colder than outer space—all so your payroll system can calculate tax deductions using qubits that decohere faster than a politician’s promise. Meanwhile, Karen from HR still can’t remember her fucking password and you’re telling me we need to quantum-encrypt her access to the stationary cupboard?

The article mentions “hybrid classical-quantum workflows” which is tech-speak for “we don’t actually have a quantum computer, but we’ve got a very expensive thermostat and some Python scripts.” These bastards want you to rewrite your entire legacy stack—held together with hope, string, and a Windows NT server from 1998—for hardware that currently fits in a room the size of a shipping container and has the reliability of a chocolate teapot.

But sure, go ahead. Be an “early adopter.” Migrate everything to quantum-ready infrastructure. I’ll be here with the popcorn when your CFO realizes you’ve spent the annual budget on Schrödinger’s Server—simultaneously working and not working until you observe it, at which point it’s definitely fucking broken.

Here’s the link, not that reading it will help: https://techcrunch.com/2026/03/12/before-quantum-computing-arrives-this-startup-wants-enterprises-already-running-on-it/

Reminds me of when the company decided to migrate everything to blockchain in 2018. Spent eighteen months and £2 million putting purchase orders on an immutable ledger, only to discover that “immutable” means “you can’t fix the typo in the delivery address and now the server rack is being sent to fucking Timbuktu.” Had to hire three consultants to un-blockchain the whole mess. History doesn’t repeat, but it rhymes—with “quantum supremacy” bollocks.

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