Another Fucking Nuclear Cyberattack? What A Surprise.

Oh for fuck’s sake. Poland’s National Centre for Nuclear Research—yeah, the atomic boffins over at NCBJ—just got their digital arses handed to them by some cyber-criminals. Because apparently, when you’re handling nuclear research, the best fucking idea is to leave your shit connected to the internet so every twat with a broadband connection and a cracked copy of Metasploit can have a poke around your centrifuges.

The geniuses had to disconnect their entire IT infrastructure faster than you can say “unencrypted backup,” after detecting “unauthorized activity” on their network. No shit, Sherlock. You think? Maybe it was all those “Click here for free reactor diagrams” emails that Gary from accounting couldn’t resist opening while browsing PornHub on the same fucking subnet as the fuel rod controls.

They’re calling it a “cyberattack” like that’s some profound revelation. It’s 20-fucking-24 and you’re running a nuclear facility with the cybersecurity equivalent of a “Please Do Not Hack” sign taped to the monitor. Stuxnet was fifteen years ago, you absolute helmets. Have you learned nothing? Air gap your critical systems, or I swear to the deity of your choice, I will come over there personally with a pair of wire cutters and fix your architecture permanently.

Now they’re waffling on about “precautionary measures” and “investigating the scope.” Translation: Some bastard’s encrypted all their files, the backup was last run when Lech Wałęsa was in office, and some poor sod is currently explaining to the board why the control rods are now demanding 50 Bitcoin and a gift card.

I tell you, if I had a quid for every time some critical infrastructure outfit got owned because they couldn’t be arsed to patch Windows or train their users not to click on “Hot_Singles_In_Your_Reactor.exe,” I could buy Poland and turn it into a fucking parking lot. But no, let’s keep everything on the cloud, because that’s worked out so well for everyone else.

Read the depressing details here before I have an aneurysm: https://www.bleepingcomputer.com/news/security/polands-nuclear-research-centre-targeted-by-cyberattack/

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Anecdote: Reminds me of the time some luser complained their “coffee cup holder” (CD tray) was broken and they needed it for their morning brew. I told them I’d fix it with a soldering iron and some high voltage. They believed me right up until the smell of burning plastic and screaming started. If the NCBJ had called me in to handle this breach, I’d have solved their problems by unplugging their internet connection with a sledgehammer. Physical disconnection isn’t elegant, but neither is explaining to the International Atomic Energy Agency why your enrichment data is being auctioned on the dark web by a 14-year-old in Minsk.

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